Sitting in HIS lap

2010-09-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is my goal. For my words and the meditations of my heart to be acceptable. Is that too difficult of a task? It's not even asking that they are the best but simply acceptable.

What does that look like?

How can I make that happen?

Is it really an attainable goal?

Lately I've been challenged through the Psalms and the unhindered worship. Why does what I say to Jesus go through so many filters? It's Jesus! He knows and he is not surprised. As I walk on this journey to unhindered worship, I'm writing my own psalms. I'm taking on the challenge set before me. I will not worry that my words are politically correct. I will not wonder if what I said was "okay."

My psalms will be pure. They will be raw. They will be all about me praising Jesus.

2AM + ME = confusion

2010-08-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

Why am I still awake? I need to be sleeping. A busy day awaits me with children to love on, organizing to do, and homework to finish. However, I realize that if I was not awake I could not be texting two amazing people whom I love dearly.

So I shall blog...

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have conversations that cut straight to the heart of things. It's one thing to have these conversations with those that you are close to but I'm talking about having no more surface conversations. I long to tell others what Jesus is doing in my life yet something stops me. Something brings me back to the how are you's and the what do you have planned for the weekends. I can't bring myself to get past it.

I love having conversation with a purpose. Yet I find myself closing down. Maybe it's not even that I close down but rather that I become the one asking all of the questions. I don't like talking about myself. (which is why blogging is difficult for me) I enjoy learning about others. I can get beyond the surface when talking about them but when it comes to me FORGET IT! I let no one in. How can this change? I want to be better but I find myself shutting down. I am in a new living environment with people that I have yet to let totally in.

This is my goal: To allow questions to be asked of me. To be transparent. (at least translucent) To not let fear of being hurt take over. To ask questions. (not too many) To love them. To allow them to love me. To live life with them.

The song that got me thinking about this...

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't wee the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
THen grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace has done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Honestly by Vota

My Summer

2010-08-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

When I returned from Chile last Summer, I began making plans for this Summer. Where would I go? Back to Chile? To another nation hungry for Jesus? By January, it was obvious to me that I would be staying home this Summer. I struggled and wrestled with the fact that I have such a heart for missions and reaching the nations for the Kingdom yet God was closing every door for me to leave the country.

How could this be?

After months of arguing with God I gave in. I rested in the promise of a bigger purpose. My prayer went from, "LORD, what nation is it this year? What people will you fuse my heart with?" to, "Father, break my heart for my nation. For my co-workers, the children and families at Ridgeway, those I come into contact with in my day to day routine."

It didn't become easier, but harder. I struggled through sending those that I dearly love overseas. They were going to the very nations I longed for.

My struggle brought me to my knees and my face on a daily basis. (sometimes more) But in a good way. I have grown immensely this Summer. I have discovered what it is like to be romanced by Jesus. I have poured my heart and soul into some wonderful 1st-5th graders. I got to see families enjoy each other. They were not all in their separate areas of the church, but worshipping and playing and just plain enjoying each others company inside the church.

My love and desire for the nations has not subsided. Quite the contrary, it's grown even greater. As I seek direction in the next steps of my journey, I must stay with the mindset to fall in line with the direction the Lord has for my life.

We sang this song in church this morning. It was the inspiration for the title of this blog. It puts into words where I long to stay.

If you would like to see a video that someone has put together, here it is.

So Much More Than an Easter Egg Hunt

2010-03-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a year since my last post... I feel like today and a story I have is a good reason to begin again.

Today was our big Easter egg hunt at Ridgeway. We had done all the planning we had time for, we had a plan for the rain and everything during the services planned for double the kids we normally have. The kids had been given hundreds of invitations to hand out to those they wanted to invite. The services went great and there were many visitors and even members that we hadn't seen in a while. All three hunts went wonderfully and prizes were given to some great visitors and those that invited them. Tons of hotdogs were served and parents enjoyed fellowship as their children played on the playground.

I was watching children play and everyone get fed when a parent told me that her daughter was pretty upset when none of her friends made it. While talking with the girl, she told me that most of her friends at school don't go to church and she really wanted them to come so they could hear about the how Jesus loves them. We talked about how much she would like them to come on Easter Sunday, but didn't seem to sure that it would happen. At that point, she looked at her wrist and saw a bracelet that the kids had made in InnerMission. (they were walked through salvation using the colors on their bracelets for them to understand and so that they can share with others as well) It was like a lightbulb went on as she realized that she didn't have to get them inside the church walls for someone else to tell them about Jesus! SHE COULD DO IT! She had everything she needed right there on her wrist!

What a confirmation of what we are doing... We are not only sharing Jesus but we are equipping our children to share with their friends.

Hope in a world of hopelessness

2009-03-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded time and time again of this hopeless world that we live in. People just walking around with no hope! When I watch the news, read the paper, or even get on the internet I see people searching for something bigger than themselves. People looking for the next big thing. The thing that will overcome this "lame" life that we all lead. Impatiently waiting for the next thing to do whether it be drugs, jumping off the tallest building, or going to the next church function. Yeah I said it... Even "Christians" fall into the constant want for something more. We come to church, sit in a seat, and say, "Okay, I'M here. Teach ME. Entertain ME. Feed ME. Give ME your attention because I am hurting." Most of us can't even stay tuned in for a complete sermon. We are on to what we want for lunch, or what the afternoon entails before the main point of the message is revealed.

WHY?!

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see just at the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man some might possibly dare to die. Bur God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8

God sent his only son to die a horrible death for us! Christ took on the sins of the world that hadn't even been committed yet and nailed them to a cross. Our days should not revolve around ME but HIM! My heart is bursting to tell of all the things that he has done. I want the world to know this man called Jesus Christ. I long for them to have the relationship with him that I do. It's not about me! It's not about going to church twice a week and maybe getting something from the sermon. My relationship is reflected in a moment by moment lifestyle. My worship doesn't only take place within the walls of the church. It is in my work, in my play, in my words, and in my actions. I can't go back to just going through the motions. My heart is that my life change will be a testament to the words that I have just spoken. Things are different and I'm glad.

Who Am I Really?

2009-01-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

I was asked this past week to sum myself up in a few words to people that have never met me before. I gave the typical answer of what I thought I wanted others to know about me. However, on my way home that afternoon it hit me what I am in two simple words. I am a PEOPLE PLEASER! I have a terrible time saying no. I am constantly doing things for others but find it very difficult to ask for help in return. I do what others ask me to do. I go where others say I should go. I worry about what other people want and need. I rarely spend time doing things for myself and when I do I am constantly thinking of how I can help someone else. Quite frankly it's EXHAUSTING!! I have come to the breaking point. My body is tired, my mind needs a break, my heart needs to recover from one, and my soul continues to yearn for the one thing that I know will never be disappointed in me.

In Sunday School this past week, Nick asked the kids to write down something that they hated. He was getting at things like chores but my mind could not get away from the fact that I hate to fail. I hate to fail others mostly. I will do whatever it takes so that someone else is not disappointed in me. Especially those that are close to my heart. I put so much pressure on myself that I don't even enjoy the things that I once did because I hate to see them end up any less than perfect. I know that I am not perfect and I hope that I do not come off that way, but on the other hand that is exactly what I strive for. Have I become a hypocrite? How can I tell students that it's okay to mess up when I am trying for nothing less than perfection?

Doing things for others is something that I love to do and it is how I show that I truly care for them. But taking it to the extreme has cause much pain and exhaustion. I have become so stressed out trying to make sure that others are taken care of that I have lost myself in the mix.

My first step has to be saying no to something/someone...Who/what will it be? If it is you or something that you ask me to do then I am sorry in advance. Please understand that I cannot continue living like this. But don't let it keep you from asking.

Continuing to LOVE OUT LOUD

2008-12-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

What a day today was! This week our church had the opportunity to help a couple who have not been unable to take care of their yard. They are in their seventies and she is very ill. Families and students were ready to get to work and help out these people that they didn't know nor knew anything about. So we got right to work even though we had no dumpster. It showed up later and was filled very quickly. I am still amazed at all we ended up getting done today. It's not complete but WOW it looks so much better than it did.

While Danielle and I were on our way to the house this morning it hit me whose house it was. I knew them from the hospital. I remember when they would come in he would look so worn out and she just looked like she didn't feel well at all. I was overjoyed that I got to help these people that I know are dealing with things beyond their control. I really didn't expect to see her at all during the day, since I had never seen this woman stand up, but to my surprise she stepped outside while we were cleaning up and her husband was gone. The look on her face was so sweet. All she could say was how excited she was that we were helping. She was so appreciative that we were there.

Today was bittersweet for me. I see patients come in and out of the hospital all the time. Some share what is going on in their lives and others just answer my questions and want nothing more than to get away from my desk, go to their appointment or test and go home. I am merely a stop on their visit. Nonetheless there is rarely a patient that I help that does not impact me in some way. There are not many days that I leave work without a burden for some patient. Today I was able to take the next step and show these people the love of Jesus outside of the walls of the hospital.

Love/Marriage (Biblical vs. the Media)

2008-12-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

It has become a family tradition to go to the movies every Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was very disappointed with the choice for this year's Thanksgiving Day choice. This made me even more excited about today's pick but I was also more skeptical as I am now of most movies.

However, the movie that I watched today was far better. I loved that it was a traditional family. They didn't get married because they had to rather because they were in love. The thing that I admired most about the male role was that when times got hard he was willing to do anything to keep his family together. When asked by a friend if he had thought about leaving his wife the character replied with an "I can't believe you just asked me that" look. He talked about how nothing is worth giving up on his family. He couldn't imagine his life without his wife and kids.

As I reflected on this thought it made me realize how we as females get such a skewed picture of marriage. The media tells us that you have to be thin, have the perfect face, and so on. We watch movies that tell us that it doesn't matter what you do with your life as long as you have a male with you. And by the way they probably won't hang around. They will only be there until someone else comes along. But why do we let the world define our lives. We are called to be in the world but not of the world. If we truly believe that then we wouldn't believe the lies that the world feeds us. We would trust that true love is that of our Father in Heaven. A love that would sacrifice itself so that we could live with Him FOREVER!

I'm not hating on marriage. I am so excited to think that I could share my life with someone someday. But my heart breaks every time I talk to a girl who thinks that they aren't good enough. That they don't deserve what God has in store for them. That they need to be prettier, thinner, more approachable, more flirtatious, etc. I try to explain to them how much they are already loved. I am constantly broken for them and will continue to be until we can all come to the realization that we are not in control of the future. It is in the Father's hands. What good hands they are too...

SIDE NOTE: None of us deserve what God has in store for us. The beauty of grace is that we don't have to work for God's love. He gives it to us without bringing up our past decisions. He takes us in forgetting what we have done and knowing what we will do and how we will mess up but loving us anyway.

Tragedy in Mumbai

2008-11-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

I planned on leaving my house to take Danielle to Tulsa to get some things. But by the time that we left I felt insecure. I didn't feel safe leaving my own home because of things happening on the other side of the world. Earlier in our day I found out about a tragedy that was happening in Mumbai, India. Many are dead, even more are seriously injured, and there are supposedly hostages in 2 hotels. My heart sank when I heard this news. (as I'm sure anyone's did with an ounce of compassion) But there was also a great feeling of how blessed I am. My mom got back from Mumbai this past Sunday. Granted most of this is happening in Southern part of the city and my mom was mainly in the Northern part. But in my head it's all the same city. Thankfully all of her people over there were okay.

While I am blessed to have my mom home my heart is still heavy. As I lift up my fellow man to the only One who can heal I am taken aback. It is now daylight over there and the damage is being seen. I can't help but wonder what these people are going through! I can't sympathize with them. I can't help them. All I can do is get on my knees and pray to my God who is not the God of that nation. While that city has the largest Christian population in the country it is no where near the majority.

Please join with me in praying for these innocent people. Pray for the government of India as they make decisions. Pray for the other governments that will get involved. Pray for the families of the hostages that are said to be those with American and British passports.

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.

Luke 6:27-31

MMM...The Smell of Pie

2008-11-25T18:01:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year again...Starbucks is using their red Christmas cups, lights are popping up on houses, shopping is now serenated with Christmas carols, breaks from school, the smell of pumpkin pie and cinnamon fills homes everywhere. I have been trying really hard not to get into the Christmas air that is floating around. This is a battle in my head every year. We as a society tend to skip over Thanksgiving!

In my fight for Thanksgiving being a special time of thankfulness, here are a few things that I am thankful for:

1. My Savior dying on a cross while taking on all of my sin before he even knew me.

2. That I was born into a free prosperous country (contrary to where the economy is today)

3. The family that I was born into. We all have our quirks yet family is close to the only ones that have never given up on me.

4. My church family. Especially one particular family that is as close to an extension of my own family as I will ever get. (You know who you are)

5. The privelege to go to a public school and not be told how to think but encouraged to think on my own.

6. My friends. They get me through some of my toughest times even though some are hundreds of miles away.

7. My job, and my coworkers.

8. My freedom of religion. I can believe what I want to believe without fearing for that my life may be taken by the government.

9. My testimony. I didn't have to turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, etc to find my Savior.

10. My future. That I have one and that it is not in my hands but the hands of my Father.

I will praise the name of God with song and magnify Him with thanksgiving. And it will please the LORD better than an ox or a young bull with horns and hoofs.

Psalm 69:30-31

I LOVE MY 6TH GRADERS!

2008-11-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

I love my 6th graders! They make all of my preparation to see them on Sunday morning totally worth every second. Teaching them is nowhere near my forte yet they make this season of my ministry enjoyable.

However, this last Sunday was bad to say the least. A couple of kids sort of ruined it for the whole class. They were very disrespectful to myself and the other 2 teachers as well as each other. These 2 particular students test me every time that they are there but I have been able to deal with them every other time. I left the classroom at 10:35 feeling entirely defeated. I had let down the other 4 students that were there to pay attention and hear what the Father was saying to them. I had let the other teachers down by not setting a good example. I had let my Heavenly Father down because I didn't feel that I got anything across to them. I talked to my dad and the youth pastor about it and got some great suggestions. Yet I went to church tonight sort of wishing that I wouldn't see either of these particular students. (how could I think that?)

After the service one of the parents (whose son wasn't actually in Sunday School last Sunday) caught me in the hall and told me that she doesn't know what I've done to her son but he absolutely loves me! She told me how he is always talking about myself and the male teacher that is also in there. He is apparently always asking his parents if he can say "hi" to me and just last night at a basketball game he brought me a cookie! Simply out of the goodness of his heart. (he walked by again and threw away my trash too!) Ahhh...this kid is why I do what I do. I am not a failure. He shows me that I do make a difference. Even more than that Christ is making a difference in this students life through me. I truly believe that God is getting through to all of my students in ways that only He can. It is not by our (the teachers) power that stories like this happen. It is only by us yielding ourselves to the Holy Spirit and letting Him speak through us every Sunday.

This is not the first time that I have been shown this. I have one girl that hugs me and sticks by my side every time I see her. Another parent told me a few weeks ago that her daughter actually enjoys Sunday School again. I can do nothing but stand in amazement of the work that my Father is doing through me. I am so blessed to be in this season of ministry that I fell into after covering one Sunday morning. I know that I am not the best and like I said 6th graders are not my forte but nevertheless God is great and He can and most definitely will use our weakness to bring glory to Himself.

Why Do Adults Act Like Children?

2008-10-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am searching for a good answer... Why do adults act like children? I sometimes feel that the people I work with haven't gotten out of high school! I am the youngest person in my office but at times I feel like I am hearing conversations that would no doubt take place in a junior high or high school hallway. The cutting words that drip from our mouths. This perplexes me even more because we all claim to be "Christians"! Not that Christians are not human and not that we don't still sin but how can we proclaim to be followers of the Almighty God yet we constantly fall to this nature. Why do we not strive to look past it? Do we really not like each other so much that we are willing to talk behind each others backs and ridicule how others conduct themselves in the workplace? How can it go so far that another person's things are flung around because one person is not in a good mood?

I truly believe that if Jesus Christ were to walk into my workplace that He would be far more disappointed in the way myself and my coworkers are acting than He would be with the person that doesn't proclaim to rely upon anyone but themselves. How have we come to that point?

I am starting a mission...
I will not allow others to steal my good day from me.
I will not agree with others when they talk about how much they dislike another coworker.
I will look beyond the exterior and seek to see what is really going on.
I will do what I can to relieve tensions.
I will not get caught up in the whirlwind that is gossip.

I'm Not Who I Was

2008-08-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

I have been finding the music of Brandon Heath to be more amazing each time I hear it! Everytime I hear one of his songs it brings up things and makes me think about things in a different way. Right now I am sitting at my mom's computer listening to some of his songs and my aunt is in the living room talking with my mom.
One of his more known songs is called "I'm Not Who I Was". As I am sitting here my aunt is talking about how her health problems that she has been having are really taking a toll on her life. She is now realizing that she needs to turn her life around and change her priorities. She is talking about getting back in church and getting back into spiritual health. She is my mom's sister and like another sister grew up in the church but turned away when they started their own families went another way. What a great conversation to hear at such a perfect time!
I can't wait for her to be able to say I'm not who I was!

I think everyone has their story of change! I know I do and things are everchanging. God is constantly showing me things that I need to change! I just hope that I continue to be receptive to them!

2008-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

Father God,
I thank you so much for allowing me to work with these students that are so near and dear to my heart. I think of how precious they must be to you if I think the world of them. How much more then do you love them? "For you created our inmost being; you knit us together in our mothers womb." We can do nothing that you don't already know about. You know the number of hairs on our head. You know our next step. I pray that our students felt your loving arms wrapped around them this week. I pray that that does not soon go away. I know that they grew so much this past week and I ask that you give us the wisdom to go beside them and give them tools to use outside of a camp atmosphere. I know that you are the reason that I do what I do and straying from that would only bring about hurt for myself.
I thank you that you have plans laid out for me. I want nothing more than to follow your will for my life. However, I long not to love the will of you, my God, but to love you, the God of the will. I thank you for confirming what I am doing so far with my spiritual gifting and my abilities. I want to love you and only you! May my plans lay in ruin if they are not of you. You are the Great Provider and it is through you that all things are made. I know that you will continue to provide for me. Please forgive me when I fail to keep this in the forefront of my mind. When I want to take over control. I know that you bring all things together for good.

Megan

Super Summer

2008-06-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

I have tried to follow, I have tried to lead
I have failed at everything
I have been the culprit to my selfish needs, made everything but You my King

I couldn't be any less worthy
To spend one day much less forever with You

I lift my hands just as I am, I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, Your fame

I have not seen heaven, I haven't seen Your face
But I've seen Your Spirit move
And Jesus it's amazing the evidence of grace standing all around this room

I'm merely a product of mercy
The target and victim of Your perfect love

I lift my hands just as I am, I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, spreading like a flame

Let every breath proclaim glory to Your name
You can't be contained and I'll never be the same
FAME by THE AFTERS

This song pretty much sums up the last week of my life. I was a team leader/mom at Super Summer. Although I was over 14 students God took my heart and broke me! I had been so caught up in controlling every aspect of my life that I had been leaving God out of the picture. But this control that I thought I had was only false control. My Heavenly Father has always had the control. He has always been the one laying out my life. God has done so much more in my life this past week but perhaps the greatest way was to show me that He is in control of every aspect of my life. My past, my present, my future, my LIFE!